Philadelphia is My Home

25
Jul

Here’s Another Thing I Hate

Author: Momish, Category: Just Ranting, Randomness

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For the past four years I have worked in Jersey and Delaware, and in both places I am usually the only city dweller amongst the crowd.  So naturally, when the lunch conversation turns to lawn care, I yawn.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that these two words are so similar, such that I subconsciously have the urge to yawn when I hear lawn. But most likely, it has more to do with the fact that my backyard is a two by four slab of concrete with nary a blade of grass in it.

And believe when I tell you that people with lawns can talk for hours about their mowers, edgers, landscapers - the list is endless.  Suburban people are always talking about things I cannot relate to or things I never heard of or have no clue what the heck they are.  Like central vacuuming. What the heck is that? 

And when I ask them what it is, they look at me like I have six heads and just broke out of a time warp bubble.  HELLO! We live in houses that are over a hundred years old and are solid brick. Central vacuuming is not one of those things that casually comes up over coffee very often. (unless you work in Jersey, of course)

Anyway, it was a welcoming change the other day when I was finally able to jump right into the discussion about yard care woes. You see, I have slugs. Yes, I kid you not, there is actual wildlife in my backyard.

Basically, I asked my co-workers (the experts) how it is that two square feet of concrete could produce a colony of thirty slugs within six minutes after the sun sets.  It’s one of those disgusting yet fascinating things I just can’t let go.  I mean really, where are these slimy things coming from?  And, more importantly, how do I get rid of them! (Salt is not an option, I believe in Karma)

Recently, my step daughter created a slug slinger from one of our paint stirrers.  She must sling roughly a dozen slugs a night into our neighbor’s yard. Yet, the suckers keep coming back. In droves.  Finally, I told her to stop.  I told her I thought they might actually be enjoying this cannonball ride of hers.  I told her we are getting more slugs, as if they are telling their friends all about the Six Flags Adventure Park just over the wall. We have since put the useless slug slinger to rest.

So anyway, suffice to say that my wonderful suburban co-workers weren’t any help whatsoever. In fact, they never even heard of a slug slinger. Imagine! Maybe they don’t care about slugs or have learned to live with them as par for the course. All I know is when I brought it up, I only got a chorus of yawns in reply.  Which turned out to be a rewarding sweet revenge after years of tree rot lunches.

But the problem remains. How do I get rid of these buggers aside from sizzling them with salt? Tell me, do you have the same phenonema happening in your yard? Do you even care?

(P.S. If anyone is interested, check out my ebay listing for a EUC slug slinger. Original Sherwin Williams Logo on both sides with minimal slim stains. Starting bid is 99 cents.)